I was just browsing through the facebook profile of the girl who was the valedictorian of my high school class...such a nice person. At that time she and I were at a similar level academically...but oh, how our paths have diverged since then. She ended up getting her PhD from Oxford, now teaches at LSU, does some acting in local theater productions. Sigh. One of those things that makes me really sad about all the things I could have done with my life if I had chosen the intellectual/creative scene in high school instead of the party scene. I certainly had that potential; in elementary school my main obsession was reading. But I was just so insecure and emotionally dysfunctional heading into high school; in my anxiety and self-loathing I unconsciously chose escapism and hedonistic passivity instead of creativity and self-development. I worked just hard enough to keep up the high grades so I could tell myself I was doing what I was supposed to; but that was just mindless score-seeking, just going through the motions.
And so, here I am. Not old yet, maybe not even middle aged, but certainly past the beginning of my life. Full of regrets, full of ideas about what I would do if I could go back in time. Back then there was so much potential, so many amazing roads open to me and so much available energy and resources to propel me down any one I chose. But I chose the path of least resistance, dug myself a safe little hole and stayed there until all those amazing roads closed down one by one as my hole got deeper and deeper. Sure, I pulled a few nice things down in my hole with me over time, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm stuck in that hole.
